"Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him." Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought {them} to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him.
(Genesis 2: 18-20)
Thus from the same dust God made Steve. He breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and declared, "This is good."
But Adam stopped naming the animals, and Steve learned the secret of barley and hops. They fashioned an altar with two stools, a television, and a remote, while they dressed the animals in clashing colors and taught them to compete. They belched, they broke wind, they staggered and slurred their primal screams of inebriated bliss, and lo from the heavens God declared:
"This is not so good!"
He came upon Adam and Steve and said, "look what you have done to my beautiful garden!"
Adam grunted,"Can it wait until half time?"
Steve laughed, fell off the stool, then offered God a drink.
"No!" God’s voice became like thunder, "Enough is enough! For your transgressions, Steve, in the closet you go! You will learn good taste and fashion sense. You will learn to appreciate the finer things in life. I will put enmity between you and your drinking buddy, for I will make you want more . . . yes, I will make you want."
He turned to Adam, who tried to focus through bloodshot eyes: "You need someone to keep you in line young man, give you some ambition, make you want . . . yes, want!"
Thus, God decided to make Eve.
(Genesis 2: 20.01-20.99)
(Okay. Its not really in there, but I’m a heretic. I get to do stuff like this.)
Everyone knows the story. We’ve all seen it countless times. God puts Adam to sleep, snatches a rib and makes Eve. For a time, everything is fine, the couple au natural, a Chip and Dale dancer and Playmate of the Month letting it all hang out as they roam freely through God’s garden. Ignorance is bliss and they haven’t a clue. They feel no guilt. They have no shame. They will never suffer disease, calamity, death . . .never need to even work. They will never get zits, wrinkles, cellulite, or spare tire abs. Gravity and gray will never apply. They’ve got it all, the perpetual tropical vacation with neither want nor need, and everything is their oyster except for a little tree at the center. Even in Eden there exists one taboo:
The LORD God commanded the man, saying, "From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die."
(Genesis 2:16-17)
(Okay. I have a hard time taking the story seriously as non-fiction. It reads like a Harlequin Romance or the Brothers Grimm, not a chronicle of the origins of man.)
We next find an Adam-less Eve, conveniently resting alone under the apple tree, her hair strategically doing the Lady Godiva, her curled (freshly waxed) thighs covering her nether regions. While common sense tells us that it is better to be safe than sorry and the best way to avoid any trouble is to simply not be there, she tempts the fates and picks the last place she should be. Maybe it offered more shade. Maybe she was avoiding Adam (who never completely got over his sports thingy) thinking this was the last place he would be. Maybe she was just blonde . . . regardless. From above she hears a hiss:
Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said to the woman, "Indeed, has God said, 'You shall not eat from any tree of the garden'?"
The woman said to the serpent, "From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, 'You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.'"
The serpent said to the woman, "You surely will not die!
"For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."
(Genesis 3:1-5)
(No. Snakes don’t really talk, except maybe to Harry Potter.)
Eve rises but not as quick as our imagination, which focuses on her outstretched arm and delicate hand as it grasps the fruit from a low branch. Ever so slowly, to build our suspense, she lowers her arm clutching the prize and examines it briefly, her last moment of innocence before taking the first fateful bite.
Adam appears from behind the bushes looking for his newlywed bride. Why he ever left Eve alone in the first place is a mystery. Maybe he was taking an afternoon nap. Maybe he had to go to the little boys room. Maybe he was longing for the good ole days at the tavern with Steve . . . regardless. He sees Eve, forbidden fruit in hand less one bite.
"What have you done?" He asks, half out of curiosity, half out of fear. She bats her eyes, offers him the fruit. Maybe he wasn’t thinking. Maybe he thought he could learn the location of God’s closet. Maybe he was just hoping that if he did this for her, she would finally cut her hair and get a bikini wax . . . regardless. He bites, then realizes the worst:
"I’m naked!"
The Chip and Dale looked down and saw Al Bundy . . . Playmate of the Month, Roseanne. In all their time together they knew the other was naked, but it had never occurred to them that they were too. The honeymoon was over, and the rose colored glasses of paradise lay shattered on the floor. The serpent curled up in satisfaction; he had actually told the truth. They did not die as God promised, though now they wished they had. Contrary to the story we think we know so well, the sky did not darken, the earth did not shake. Only the pit of guilt filled their stomachs, the butterflies of shame flapped in their chests, and the lump of fear in their throats marked the transition as the fruit of moral fibre took hold. The fig leaf became the banner of our first and foremost invented taboo, the self-depreciation of what lies beneath, the loathing and denial of the body God made. Sex is typically the first place to lay the blame, and even today many hold that this marked the great fall.
But they were still in the garden.
They heard the sound of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God among the trees of the garden.
Then the LORD God called to the man, and said to him, "Where are you?"
He said, "I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid myself."
(Genesis 3:8-10)
God questions Adam’s odd behavior (though common sense would say that an all seeing and knowing being would already know why):
And He said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?"
The man said, "The woman whom You gave {to be} with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate."
(Genesis 3:11-12)
In a display of his true moral character, Adam passes the buck.
Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" And the woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."
(Genesis 3:13)
And we have been passing the buck ever since, the primal force driving a religion which necessitates a blood sacrifice of no less than God on a cross to fix what we refuse to face. We grabbed a fruit filled with moral fibre, indulged in the one real taboo, and made everything else we are and do an act of guilt and shame. We hide behind the bushes of life, perpetually dissatisfied with everything including ourselves. Even with God paying the price because we messed up, we still demand more. We clothe ourselves in righteousness . . . we adorn our heads with grace. We inflate our egos with the facade of purity and piety, tell ourselves how special we are. When confronted we pass off our guilt, blame everything else for what we have done, and search fervently for someone else to bail us out of the misery we feel.
We still don’t get it.
We never really left the garden.
We put on the fig leaf, and passed the buck.
We plowed the land, paved it, and lined it with strip malls.
And if we are ever to succeed, maybe it is time we stop looking for a piece of history in a fable and learn the "moral" it was designed to teach. Maybe we should stop looking everywhere else and take the responsibility ourselves. After all, it is the right thing to do.
MRBline
Note: Another fine work from the mind of MRBline! |
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